Apocalypse Now?
Captains Blog • Last updated 30 Jul 2010 10:24
It seems Jesus doesn't much like the Gulf States of America.
According to a psychic, who has some sort of hotline to God, it was Jesus who caused the oil spill that has created such devastation over there.
In a long - very long - prophecy, He says that He's taken an axe to a dry, unproductive tree and hewn it down. That tree, He eventually reveals (this particular Jesus being a bit on the verbose side), is the Coastal region of the good ol' USA, in particular the Gulf States.
He says: "For I have looked upon the whole Gulf region of the USA and upon all Gulf states and I have marked them! I have taken My mark-out pen and I have colored them all in black! I have set a determination against them and I shall totally erase them from off the map of the USA if they do not humble themselves and repent en masse before Me!"
Okay, setting aside the vision of Jesus with a marker pen colouring in an atlas, why - I wondered - has he got it in for the good ol' boys of Dixie? Well, He's not long in telling us.
"For, they are full of evil! Full of adultery! Full of fornication! Full of sexual perversions of every kind! Full of extravagance! Full of witchcraft! Full of idolatry! Full of whoremongering! Full of lying mouths and deceptive ways! Full of the "good-time Charlies!" Full of every kind of evil!"
That explains that, I thought. There's nothing like a Good-Time Charlie to set a divinity off on a path of destruction.
And where did Jesus pick up a term like that, anyway? Is he stuck in the 1920s?
But just as I was settling myself in for a quick bout of mocking and scorning, He had this to say:
"Oh, you mockers and scorners! Woe, woe, woe to you mockers and scorners; for if you will not repent of this great evil, your soul will languish in the flames of correction for a very long time!"
Uh-oh, I thought, That was a thrice-woer, which is never good. I think He means me. However, as I don't believe this really is Jesus talking but rather some crank seizing on people's misery to put the fear of - well - God into everyone, I'll carry on mocking and scorning. So there.
The prophecy goes on to predict - no, not predict, to promise - world annihilation. What has been a tragic accident on an oil platform is suddenly a precursor to Armageddon. And I don't mean the Bruce Willis movie.
"And, now nation shall rise up against nation! Hunger and famine shall cover the earth! Missiles shall fly between nations; and America will surely be attacked and greatly destroyed with nuclear weapons!"
Well, bub, it won't be British missiles because apparently they're so old they can barely get out of their silo. And some mornings I know how they feel.
So, according to all this, God isn't happy with humanity, especially the Gulf States and the rest of the USA. We're all going to be punished. As if 'Big Brother' wasn't punishment enough.
But before anyone rushes off to clear the shelves of tinned goods and lock themselves in the basement, let me just slip into 'Dad's Army' mode and say 'Don't panic!' This is all a load of what can only described as something that rhymes with hollocks.
I don't buy into this Old Testament God who seems always ready to heap fire and brimstone around us whenever we get a bit frisky.
The world can be a hellish place, sure, but there's a lot of good around.
And as for the Gulf States being full of all that stuff listed above, let me say this...
When's the first flight to Florida?
This blog appeared in Cumnock Chronicle 30 Jul 10
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