Jen-uine article
Captains Blog • Published 23 Jul 2010 16:59
I read this week that Jennifer Aniston had to go to court for a restraining order against a guy who was convinced he was in a relationship with her.
Got to admit, I had to read it twice just to make sure it wasn't me.
As regular readers of these scribblings will know (and there won't be that many because there's not been a scribbling such as this for well over a year. Time flies when you're having fun, don't it?)...anyway, as regular readers will know, I've got a thing for Jennifer Aniston. There, I've said it, it's all out in the open. Can open, worms everywhere, as Chandler would say.
To be terribly un-PC - and the only PC thing about me is my computer - she is a fine figure of a woman, as evidenced this week with the pictures taken for the of her new perfume.
And yet, as the tabloids are never done reminding us, she can't hold on to a man.
Well, she can hold on to me anytime.
I think it's a shame that she doesn't know I'm waiting here for her (and the same can be said for Michelle Pfeiffer, Sandra Bullock, Gabrielle Anwar and, curiously, Julie Andrews. In addition to being un-PC, I'm also a bit of a slut when it comes to celebrity crushes).
Okay, I'm no Brad Pitt. Probably more like Barony Pitt. But I am Scottish and if the tittle-tattle is to be believed there was heat between her and Gerard Butler - and I don't mean that someone slipped a tabloid magazine in the middle. Not that I can compare myself to big Gerard, although I have been to Paisley.
I think I'd be good for her. She needs to step out of the show bizzy world and come down to earth. And you don't come much more down to earth than me. in fact, if I was any more down to earth 'Time Team' would be geo-physing me. Although in the interests of full disclosure, I have my crazy side. There is my love of buttered pancakes, for instance. And if you think that's not too bad, then come and see me - I've got ten suitcases of them at home.
So in the end, Jen darling, you want to learn what it's like to date an ordinary, working class Scottish guy, gimme a call.
Just don't let the present Mrs Skelton know......
Return to the main index, get more from this section or browse our Opinion archives.
