Hair of the Dog

Captains Blog • Published 11 Aug 2010 12:00

I was flicking through one of our national tabloids last week - don't know what I was looking for; pictures of Jennifer Aniston, probably - when I chanced upon an article telling me that stress is better fought by walking your dog than with a wee bevvie.

Now, I have three dogs - Holly the Lab cross whose every waking thought is for me to kick a football for her, Harry the retired Greyhound whose every waking thought is how to avoid having any thoughts while awake and Old Bess who I suspect doesn't really have many thoughts anymore.

So if walking the dog is better for stress, you'd think I'd be so laid back I'm almost horizontal.

But working at the Chronicle is very stressful so in the interests of science, I decided to put the new theory to the test and weigh up the pros and cons.

I took Holly, Harry and Bess out into the garden along with a bottle of the amber nectar (and I don't mean Irn Bru.)

I took a stiff drink just to get me started and then proceeded to record the following:

TEST NUMBER ONE:

Walking on the lead - Holly and Harry perform admirably (I suspect they've done it before) while Bess sort of stumbles about stiff-legged. At 15 years of age, that's understandable. My 10 year old Scotch is not doing so well, merely sitting there with the lead around the neck of the bottle refusing to go anywhere.

Perhaps it's too full so, purely in the interests of science, I'm taking another glass.

TEST NUMBER TWO:

Fetching a stick - Holly nimbly runs after thrown stick, Harry looks around wondering when he can go back to bed and Bess has no clue what the hell is going on. The Whisky sits immobile, completely disinterested.

Just to keep it happy, and purely in the interests of science, I'm taking another wee drinkie.

TEST NUMBER THREE:

Rolling over and playing dead - Holly doesn't do tricks, Harry is frightened he'll fall asleep if he lies down and Bess has hit the dirt anyway. Whisky bottle - nothing.

Again, purely in the science of interests, I'm having another.

And maybe another wee one, just to set me up for....

Test Number Four:

Obe...Obe... Obi Wan Kenobi...No, Obedience - that's it - I tell Holly to sit, she does it. I tell Harry to sit, I think he does it. Bess's is still down. The whisky bottle is already sitting. I sit down beside it.

Science in the purely interests of, I relieve it of some content.

TEST NUMBER FIVE: Test Number four went by in such a blur I can't remember what it was.

Spinning on back legs: To be honest, everything's spinning. Maybe if I have another wee nip things'll settle down, interest, science - that kinda thing.

So, tests over. I think. Do I feel stressed? Do I cocoa....now there's a funny expression, does anyone ever cocoa? And if they do, how is it done? We should be told, the public has a right to whatchacallit...thingumyjig...well, the public has a right to it, anyway.

I think I'll just lie down here and relax but someone's telling me I should walk the dogs.

What? In this condition?

I should cocoa....

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