Published: Monday, 29th June, 2009 9:57am

Attack of the Killer Midges Part Two

by Captains Blog

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Now that midges have their own TV show (Thursday night, STV), I think they"re getting cocky.

Now they"re not content with attacking me whenever I venture into the great outdoors.

Oh no - that"s not good enough for the little beggars (And thank God I didn"t mis-type that!)

Now they"re staging home invasions.

And it"s given me a new scene for my Tolkienesque horror movie, "The Battle for Midge Earth."

Let me set the scene...

I"ve reached an age where I have what I call Energiser sessions - I just have to keep going. It"s not every night but there are some where I"m up and down like the Chronicle circulation. After one of my trips I found I couldn"t sleep - another side effect of working here because your mind is filled with all sorts of work-related nonsense (like what"s my next blog going to be about) - so I went off to watch some TV.

However, I forgot that I"d left my light on and my bedroom window open.

My first tip when I came back was when I found some of the little rascals using my water glass as a swimming pool. I thought the one with the Lilo was a bit cheeky.

Then I saw others sunning themselves under my bedside light.

My gaze travelled upwards and realised the wall behind my bed was covered in them. I pulled the bed away but they pulled it back.

I looked around and to my horror saw thousands of them on other walls, forming clouds on the ceiling and - the biggest shock - crawling over my duvet.

I didn"t have any spray so I doused them with deodorant but that only made them more attractive to the girl midges.

The final straw was when they came together on a wall to form the words "We"re here!"

I was out of that room faster than an Andy Murray serve.

I shut the bedroom door and retired to the living room.

But they followed me.

I tried watching a bit of TV. "Spiderman 3" was on and I thought it might lull me to sleep. But then I began to spot little blemishes on Tobey Maguire"s face. I didn"t think much of it until the same spots appeared on Kirsten Dunst.

And they were moving.

At first there were just two or three but, it seems, midgery likes company and soon there were dozens more.

I wiped them away and, thankfully, no more arrived although for the rest of the night I was certain I could hear a faint buzzing from down the hall, like Formula One on a distant TV.

The following morning I ventured into my bedroom to find the window sill, my bedside table and my bed covered with tiny dead black dots. I swept out the dead and went out immediately to buy some sort of repellent.

I know what scary is - I"ve interviewed Freddie Starr - but that was terrifying.

It"s also going into my movie.

All I need to do now is work out how to get a beautiful young woman"s clothes off in the scene and a straight-to-DVD release is assured.